Why is it that the toast never pops up when you are standing beside the toaster?
Best sms for today
Luk at the world as 1 big
chocolate cake. It would
never b complete without
few sweets n nuts.
Sweet like ME & nut like U
Har desh ki ek sarhadd hoti hai
bache ki bhi ek jidd hote hai
aur kitna intzaar karru tere sms ka
Kanjosi ki bhi koi hadd hoti hai
Drive The guy who drives slower than you is an idiot and The guy who drives faster than you is a maniac!
Girl : I am warning you,
my Mom is coming back in half an hour..
Boy : But Im not doing anything....
Girl : That's why I am warning you... Hurry up !
Hum ne un ke ghar k saamne nach nach kar Ghungro tak tor diye...
Zalim nach dekhne k baad keh gaye . . . .
Pappu Cant dance saala!
I made a List of Special people in my Life with Pencil but when I reached your Name I used Pen because I decided to keep u forever as my Good friend!
Feel good when somebody Miss u.
Feel better when somebody Loves u.
But feel best when somebody
never forgets u.
HeavenHeaven is when U have a German car,American salary,Chinese food & Indian wife.Hell is when car is Chinese,food is German,wife is American and salary Indian.!
Son asks his Dad diff btwn LOVE, BELIEF & RELIEF. Father says:Yr Mom is my LOVE.Your maid is my RELIEF & I'm your Dad - well, that's my BELIEF.
Blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, 'How do I get 2 the other side?' The other blonde yells back, 'U R on the other side!'
Best quotes for today
Some people listen to themselves rather then listen to what others say. These people don't come along very often, but when they do, they remind us that once you set off on a path, even though critics may doubt you, it's ok to believe that there is no CAN'T, WON'T or IMPOSSIBLE. They remind us that it's ok to believe that IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.
A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
The world needs sadistic people like me. If there were none of us you would never be happy because you would know no sadness.
Best oneline for today
Why are Chavs like Slinkies?
They have no real use, but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
They have no real use, but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What goes, "Click-click - have I done it yet? Click-click - have I done it yet?"
Stevie Wonder with a Rubik's cube
Stevie Wonder with a Rubik's cube
What's the difference between a chav girl and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only had ten thousand men?
The Grand Old Duke of York only had ten thousand men?
There once was a young girl called Maddie
She had such an irresponsible daddy
Snatched from her bed
She's probably dead
Raped by a Portuguese baddy.
She had such an irresponsible daddy
Snatched from her bed
She's probably dead
Raped by a Portuguese baddy.
Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
A Nova seats 4
Why is it a shame to see 4 chavs going over the edge of a cliff in a nova?
There's always room in the boot.
A Nova seats 4
Why is it a shame to see 4 chavs going over the edge of a cliff in a nova?
There's always room in the boot.
A nun is in the bath when there's a knock on the bathroom door.
"Hello! It's the blind man. May I come in?"
The nun ponders for a moment, and thinking he may need spiritual guidance and that he is blind agrees. The door opens and in walks a guy.
"Fucking nice tits! Now, where do you want these blinds?"
"Hello! It's the blind man. May I come in?"
The nun ponders for a moment, and thinking he may need spiritual guidance and that he is blind agrees. The door opens and in walks a guy.
"Fucking nice tits! Now, where do you want these blinds?"
Best jokes for today
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Shout Box
Top Rated sms
Drive The guy who drives slower than you is an idiot and The guy who drives faster than you is a maniac!
